"Ah yes… I love my job.. especially listening to one particular physician. This doctor enlightens my day as soon as they shut up. I truly hope they are good with their patients, because on my end I am yet to discover how they ever even found the door to the registrar's office. Ladies and gentleman, I give you"
The Crack Whore Doctor Chronicles
The patient denies breathing.
Upon awakening, she denies sleeping or belching. However, she did have a vasectomy last year.
Father has a history of ovarian cancer.
The patient is a chronically white male in no acute distress.
The patient had a cholecystectomy in 1977. We will need to check the gallbladder for stones to determine if this is the cause of the abdominal pain.
The patient does not eat or drink.
The patient has no children and has never been pregnant; however, she did experience complications after the birth of her twins, currently now 4 years old and healthy.
His father died of metastatic lung disease and mother died of natural causes. The patient is accompanied to the office today by his mother.
The patient is a 61-year-old female. She currently has no children, but she and her husband are trying.
She also reports occasional back soreness daily x 6-12 months that is constant, daily, and happens about twice a year.
The patient has constipation. I suspect that the change in bowel habits are due to her constipation.
She will likely not be a good candidate for liver transplant given her age; however, if this changes, we will make plans.
The next appointment will be in six weeks. Upon her return, we will consider decreasing her symptoms as this will aid in a complete healing of her problem.
*** One smart thing this doctor did say today was if your butthole hurts, stop wearing thong underwear. ***
The patient reports episodes of bleeding without blood.
The abdomen has no extremities.
Other than the above complaints of asthma, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, fatigue, difficulty with breathing when walking stairs, difficulty breathing when showering or brushing teeth, difficulty breathing when walking across the room, chronic back pain, loss of appetite, depression, hearing loss, cataracts, photophobia, migraine headache, dry mouth, occasional palpitations, eczema, hemorrhoids, kidney stones, congestive heart failure, and kidney failure, he is healthy and has no complaints.
The patient complains of excess belching. I told her to learn not to do this.
She does occasionally have some exertional chest tightness when she exerts herself strenuously.
He is allergic to hives.
She still has all of her female reproductive organs.
The patient reports increasing symptoms with eating, mostly with foods.
During her pregnancy, she was troubled by pregnancy.
Procedure: Colonoscopy and removal of the patient.
The patient's symptoms are much less intense now that they have discontinued alcohol use and the use of food.
Mother deceased at age 62 and age 74.
Her family is in Hong Kong and they are alive.
Left upper extremity forearm that failed and now has an extremity in the left upper arm.
He denies any and I spoke to him about this in Spanish.
"Please send this letter to Ms. Donna Jessup. That's Ms., spelled M-I-Z apostrophe period." (Miz'.)
The gallbladder polyps should see a followup physician in the next 6-12 months.
**Note** I must be dying. On Tuesday, this very same doctor actually stopped in mid sentence to say "I'm sorry. I'm not paying attention to what I am doing."