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Josh-D. S. Davis

Xaminmo / Omnimax / Max Omni / Mad Scientist / Midnight Shadow / Radiation Master

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assumptions and stereotypes galore
Josh 201604 KWP
joshdavis
One of the topics of the night before last was from Eiwe. Basically, in Sweden, you can walk up to a person and compliment them, and it's OK, even if it's someone of the opposite gender, while here, if he were to walk up to a woman in the supermarket and say, "you're very beautiful.", then there's the immediate assumption that he has a motive other than, "wow, she's pretty."

This is true everywhere. If I want to watch people as I walk through the parkinglot, I feel embarrassed. People get a perplexed look, or get nervous and walk away faster. Sometimes I'll wear sunglasses, and it's ok. People assume I'm looking away.

Why are people afraid of being noticed?

I know why women often assume that a compliment has a motive... I know when I was younger, I was so desparate for attention or acceptance or girlfriend, that the only time I could muster up a compliment through my shyness was when I was very attracted to someone. I was awkward. Hell, even now I am to some extent, even just with friends who I haven't had a night of all-open conversation with.

But you see, it still exists that if I were to make a point of complimenting an attractive woman, I'm an annoying guy. If a woman were to make the exact same compliment, then it's ok. If a lesbian or bisexual woman makes the same compliment, THAT is ok.

Well, that's not exactly fair. Yup, I get sexually attracted to people, but I also can just simply admire a person without having a sexual motive. Hell, even if it were someone who in other circumstances would want to date, I should still be able to appreciate their existance.

So sometimes, in new conversations, when possible without completely breaking the flow of conversation, I try to bring up that I have a wife and son and that they are very special to me. More often than not, this helps put people at ease.

When people are at ease, conversation is more fun. More topics are available, and less awkwardness is felt. It seems that one of the biggest killers of any interaction is awkwardness.

This doesn't change things with people who hate men because of things that happened to them in the past, and a variety of other sorts of awkward/hangup issues. The only ways around that are misrepresenting yourself.

In that, on the one hand, you have this separate set of friends who you can now enjoy, but on the other hand, you have to maintain that lie, because otherwise, to most people, misrepresenting one aspect of yourself means that every other part of you must also be false, and you're just another example of why [insert category here] sucks.

*sigh*
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i love social club engineering, it took me a while, but i can go up to a girl and say "hey you have gorgeous hair, or beautiful eyes" but i do it with no purpose to prolong the conversation, which is what i'm the most scared of. "what else do i fucking say?" heh....i've gotten all kind of looks, the best one being an ear to ear grin from a girl who's date/boyfriend was off talking to some other girl. she was easy though, it's usually a dead giveaway when they are circling the rim of a almost extinguished martini glass with a dazed look.

now to get my brown ass to FOLLOW THRU...augh!

ps> i hate pc's

(Deleted comment)
Yah... it's wierd. Most of us dislike being categorized in a stereotype, but most of us make stereotypes for other people to fit in.

In dealing with stereotypes against us, we can explain away some, in the instances that the stereotyper is open to this. In other instances, we can manipulate our facade to sidestep stereotypes, which has us running from the stereotype.

I think sharing vulnerabilities and faults is an important part of friendships, so people know that you-too are not perfect. Some people don't really care for various reasons, and some people feel awkward from that sharing.

I'm most comfortable with people who I can share my whole me. I know that most people have broken parts, but what sucks is when someone finds out about one a year later or whatever, and decides that they can no-longer stand being around you because of your faults.

So I like to show people many of my extremes, but I worry about it. And then when I push too hard on other people, I guess that comes across as not accepting their faults, which has to really suck for them.

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