Josh-Daniel S. Davis (joshdavis) wrote,
Josh-Daniel S. Davis
joshdavis

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journals

I just got done writing in her journal. I do that sometimes. Sometimes it's cute. This time it was a brain dump. I don't know why, but basically, since watching Charlie's Angels last night, or maybe even since Christiana came over to visit us, she thinks I fantasize about almost every woman I know.

She's upset that we don't talk, but she doesn't write much in e-mail. Doesn't get on IM at work and doesn't reply to my logs. This, along with working 60-80 hours per week, and I'm usually tired in the evenings, and so is she. I tried to strike up a conversation at Olive Garden about neural implants, etc. She answered my questions, had opinions, but stopped. She didn't give back to the conversation.

I feel like it's somehow my fault, and so does she. What am I supposed to do? I read her journals in the few times she writes in them.

Basically, she doesn't trust me in any capacity, so that's why she can't talk to me. She's been talking about how "she's just a bad g/f and should just be alone" for over a year. To me, it just really looks like she's sad needs an excuse to devalue things so she can get away and be alone, because she things she deserves to be alone... some sort of punishment for who knows what.

I think she had her value taken away and isn't willing to see it anymore. She won't see how wonderful she is, so she has to prove to herself why she's not.

This makes me sad. I miss her. She's been gone at work for months. She hides from me. She won't talk to me about things, even when I ask.

In my eyes, she's setting herself up with all of the fears and assumptions required to leave me when she moves out to her own place. Yes this is my paranoia speaking, but it also makes sense to me... (don't all paranoias?)

Anyway, I'm WAY late for work. Probably get fired. I'm going to mail a letter to this guy who tailgaited me in traffic (yes, I'm nuts, but hey, he's 53, he should know better).
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