The Matrix Reloaded: The Abridged Script
Rating: 3.5/5 Stars
EXT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CITY STREET
A computer model of CARRIE-ANNE MOSS with an inhuman-looking face flies out of a window, shoots at an agent, and is killed.
INT. THE NEBUCHADNEZZAR - BLUE
KEANU REEVES wakes up from his nightmare. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, played by a human being, is laying next to him.
What's the matter? Did you wet the bed again?
I had this dream. You flew out of a window in slow-motion and shot at an agent and he killed you.
Well of course you dreamed that - you've gone online and watched the Matrix Reloaded trailer like fifty times in the past two days.
Did you see the computer generated me fight all those Agent Smiths? It was awesome! I'm gonna go hack in and watch it again now.
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE SEWER
LAURENCE FISHBURNE, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, and KEANU REEVES join #SewerChat with all the other rebels.
Gimme ops! I want ops!
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Shut up. Listen everyone. The Osiris has sent a transmission - the machines are drilling straight down to Zion. It's a wonder they didn't think to do this sooner.
Ops! Ops! Ops!
JADA PINKETT SMITH
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JADA PINKETT SMITH
Sorry. Okay, everyone. I believe the Gloria Foster will contact us soon, so I need one ship to stay back here and be available if she makes contact. This goes directly against the order of our military commander, but he's a total dick, so fuck him.
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JADA PINKETT SMITH
Agents! Get the hell out of here!
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I don't feel the slightest bit intimidated, and as a result the audience feels absolutely no danger.
That's a shame, since this is the first fight scene and should really get them hyperventilating.
They use kung fu and KEANU beats the crap out of the AGENTS and flies away.
All of the ships head to ZION. Nothing happens for a while. Characters talk to other characters. Eventually, there is an erotic rave scene, but it too is somewhat boring. The AUDIENCE goes to sleep.
This is what they're fighting to save? It sucks! Wake me when they're back in the matrix.
Eventually, GLORIA FOSTER contacts KEANU, and they visit her.
EXT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR PARK
KEANU sits down next to GLORIA FOSTER after fighting SING NGAI for no good reason.
Hello Keanu. My dialogue this time around isn't anywhere near as well written as the last time we talked, so let me get to the chase. I'm a program, all of your decisions have already been made, Trinity is going to die, and you need to find Randall Duk Kim. Gotta run!
Got it. Hey, have you seen that spoon-bending kid from before? There haven't been any cool quotable phrases in this movie and I think he could help.
GLORA shakes her head and leaves.
That's good, but it really came from the first movie. Got anything else?
Suddenly, a bunch of other HUGO WEAVINGS show up. They FIGHT to VIDEO GAME MUSIC. Despite all of the enormous hype, it is extremely clear when the scene switches into CGI-mode.
Why are you using kung fu? Can't you jump inside us and delete us like in the last movie? Isn't that one of your super awesome powers?
Nah, the only real new power I have is flight.
Not as badly as my appearance when I do my little mid-air spin move with this pole.
He fights and fights and fights and eventually gives up and flies away.
INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR RESTAURANT
LAURENCE, CARRIE-ANNE, and KEANU enter the restaurant and talk to LAMBERT WILSON.
We want Randall Duk Kim. I am totally dead serious here, as I always am.
I won't give him to you, but you can use my girlfriend, Monica Belluci to go behind my back and get him. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have some matrix sex.
Grrr, I get so mad when he cheats on me. To spite him, I will give you Randall.
Wait, you're a program right? So some machine actually specifically programmed you and gave you the ability to be jealous, conniving, and spiteful?
Not only that, but they made me a hornball. I will only help if you make out with me.
What? It's bad enough that the agents no longer pose any threat at all, but now these are the kind of obstacles we must overcome to save Zion? Make out with Monica Belluci? What will we have to do next, eat our way through a prison wall made of chocolate?
MONICA helps them and they escape with RANDALL DUK KIM in a car.
Hurry, we have to get Randall out of here!
And take him where, exactly?
Uhhhh.. away from the bad guys? It doesn't matter, we're just waiting for Neo to save us.
Don't you realize that without any real goal, this scene is utterly without tension, regardless of how cool it is, stylistically?
This is a matrix film, there's no point to anything other than style.
They are CHASED by TWO ALBINO RASTAFARIANS. More video game music plays in the background.
ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #1
We are utterly pointless.
ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #2
Yes we are.
Eventually, KEANU REEVES saves them all and takes them to a secret hideout.
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CONFERENCE ROOM
LAURENCE, KEANU, CARRIE-ANNE, JADA, and VARIOUS OTHER REBELS meet with RANDALL DUK KIM.
RANDALL DUK KIM
To save your world, you must strike at exactly midnight.. it will require a complicated three-pronged attack...
Holy shit, we're at the climax of the film! I haven't seen anything from this in the trailer - it must be fucking amazing, especially since it has to top the burly brawl and the car chase.
We see a montage of shots from the important mission while RANDALL and THE REBELS discuss the plan in voiceover. Once the discussion is over, the problem is solved. KEANU enters a ROOM OF LIGHT.
INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR WHITE ROOM
KEANU enters a white room, the walls of which are covered in monitors. A chair spins around to reveal THE EXPLAINER.
Who are you?
I am The Explainer. I designed the matrix screenplay. Unable to decently explain the convoluted plot well, I have resorted to putting myself here in the final act and having you ask all of the questions the audience wants to ask.
You must begin by asking your own questions then gradually switch to asking those of the audience, in order to not make this scene any more awkward than it already is. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.
Why am I here?
Many years ago, shortly before the success of Speed, you sold your soul to the devil in exchange for a promise of notoriety that your piss-poor acting skills do not deserve. This series is the actualization of this promise.
What was the Osiris? And who was that kid in zion who kept pestering me?
You will find the answers to these questions by purchasing The Animatrix, a collection of nine animated shorts from some of Anime's top directors.
Alright. Well, what was that crap Glora said about vampires and werewolves? And how did Jada Pinkett Smith get to Laurence Fishburne during the car chase? And what the hell happened during the power plant takeover climax that-wasn't?
You will find the answers to those questions by purchasing the Enter The Matrix game, available for Windows, Playstation2, Xbox, and Gamecube. Enter the Matrix features awesome gunplay and spectacular martial arts that bend the rules of the Matrix. This game isn't just set in the Matrix universe--it's an integral part of the experience, with a story that weaves in and out of The Matrix Reloaded. Enter the Matrix is the story behind the story.
Fine! Then tell me this, what the hell is with Hugo Weaving saying he and I have some special connection? And how come I can control machines in the real world? And will we win the war if I don't choose the door to my right?
You will find the answers to these questions when you watch The Matrix Revolutions, coming later in 2003.
I hate you.
Perhaps you should drink more Powerade.
Just answer me one question. We're not going to find out that the real world is in another matrix, are we?
Christ I hope not.
KEANU leaves and flies to save CARRIE-ANNE MOSS from being shot. She is SHOT anyway. Then KEANU reaches into her matrix code and pulls out the bullet in a comical fashion.
That was preposterous.
Wait till you see what I do outside of the ship.
THE CREDITS roll, as DISC ONE of the soundtrack is played in its entirety.