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Josh-D. S. Davis

Xaminmo / Omnimax / Max Omni / Mad Scientist / Midnight Shadow / Radiation Master

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HUMOR: Distinguising engineers
Josh 201604 KWP
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

You Might be an Engineer if....

* The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
* At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
* Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
* Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
* In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
* The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
* You are always late to meetings
* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
* You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday
* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
* You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
* You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
* You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
* You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
* You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
* You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
* You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
* You know what http:// actually stands for
* You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
* You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
* You see a good design and still have to change it
* You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
* You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
* You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
* You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
* You window shop at Radio Shack
* You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
* You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is
* Your checkbook always balances
* Your laptop computer costs more than your car
* Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
* Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
* You've already calculated how much you make per second
* You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
* if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
* if you enjoy pain.
* if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
* if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
* if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
* if when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major.
* if it is sunny and 80 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
* if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
* if you always do homework on Friday nights.
* if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
* if you think in "math."
* if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
* if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
* if you have a pet named after a scientist.
* if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
* if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger's Cat experiment.
* if you can translate English into Binary.
* if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
* if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
* If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
* if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
* if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
* if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
* if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
* if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
* if you understood more than five of these indicators.
* if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
* if you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of e-mail.
* if your wife emails you to tell you dinner is ready

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(Deleted comment)
uh huh.

How many of these are required for me to transcend mere "engineer" status?
I think engineer is a random function that returns one of {geek,engineer,nerd....}

(Deleted comment)
Ya know, you should describe the nerd/engineer hierarchy in javadoc.

So you're an engineer? 90% of these are dead-on for you. ;)

Hehe, damn... that's almost like looking into a mirror.

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Funny thing is that in Denmark it's possible to become a Civil Mechanical Engineer. So I guess that would sort of be a "get two for the price of one" situation where the engineer can both build the targets and the weapons to blow them up. Now that's true engineering efficiency!

Of course. You always have to design the ENTIRE product.

"Here's how to make it. Here's how to make it work. Here's how we did it. Here's how to disable it. Here's how to destroy it."

Should be a part of all design documents.


I'm an engineer. I knew it!

I'm laughing and crying simultaneously. I feel obligated to post this on my door at work.

If you can print this, legibly, on facial or toilet tissue from an unmodifed, store bought printer that you own or posess, you get an extra 20 points.

If you use wrapping tissue, it's only 5 points.

If you use a pen, or any other type of paper, it's -30 points.

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